Did I miss something?

Was there like a memo or something sent out? Loud announcement? Please, I’d really like to know. I want to know who told these kids (man I sound old) they need to skip the embarrassing part of being a younger teen.

Because to whoever you are – and internet I am looking at you – you fucking suck.

There are 14-year-olds running around with on point (or however you say it) contour and incredible eye make – up. Their eyebrows are perfect and they look like models. Like wtf? No. No, you do not get to skip past “using your mums shitty cheap mascara that itches like crazy, terrible eye shadow colours and a mix and match on what your actual skin tone is by using every little bottle of foundation you can find” phase. What gives you the right?!

Pfft child please. Hell no. Spin around on your little high heels and skinny jeans and go and put something embarrassing on. You are making the rest of us feel awkward.

Please don’t get me wrong. They look gorgeous and I am not shaming anybody. It just bugs me that the unofficial traditional freaking rite of passage has officially ended. You aren’t supposed to look like you know what you are doing. That’s not how this works. Especially at 14. That’s the pinnacle year everyone looks back on and cringes with self-loathing. You see all these memes on Facebook that are like “What would you tell your 17-year-old self?” Wrong question mate. We all know at 17 we were freaking dickheads. Obviously, the answer would be DON’T DO IT DICKHEAD! The right question to ask is “What would you tell your 14-year-old self?” Put. Down. The. Fucking. Eyeliner. And if you were born in the 90’s or hell even the 80’s – you know what? If you were relatively young in the 90’s – you know that answer is right.

God look at the 80’s for crying out loud. There were more random colours worn and more hair spray used in that decade than I reckon we will ever use again. My mother still cringes if I bring up her 80’s hair.  And do not even get me start on the colour palette of the 70’s.

Actually, I don’t know a single person who doesn’t cringe or sigh and literally leave the conversation when the topic of younger teen years and “fashion” pops up!

So, listen up. Let me tell you how it goes and readers, by all means, chime in with your memories. I am going to teach you how to do your make up … 90’s style.

  • Start with a shade of foundation anywhere from 2 upwards either lighter or darker than your skin tone. And pile that on. You want a really awkward glow happening.
  • Don’t bother about your neck. We didn’t find our necks until about 2008.
  • Ignore contouring. That was a model thing or a movie star thing not our thing.
  • But you are going to want to stock up on blush. Don’t forget to make it 2+ shades darker.
  • Now, grab your eyeshadow palette and by palette, I mean those gaudy colours you found for 2 bucks at the chemist or $2 shop. Rub that shit in until you swear it is never coming off because it is so cheap it probably won’t come off.
  • And lastly everybody’s favourite make up tool – EYELINER! Grab your eyeliner and don’t worry about your cat eye/perfect wing helpful tape or whatever else you use to make it perfect cause all you are going to do is circle your eyes panda style.

Congratulations! You now look like a 90’s kid and that shaky gross feeling you have is completely normal. It’s called shame.

To finish it off add dangling earrings – doesn’t really matter which ones you wear they will all look terrible and tie a black shoe lace or elastic around your neck (Oh? You didn’t realise we invented that look?) Now you are done. Go outside with your Walkman or bulky as iPod, weird fitting jeans, ugly trainers and enjoy.

There. That’s how it should be. You do that for a few years, get some really terrible photos you will want to burn but will always be brought out when you least expect it and you’ll be fine. Mind you, I grew up before mobiles were big and had decent cameras so in a way, I do understand the need to not look stupid.

But, it is still tradition though and I for one am sad and slightly awkward that it is no longer a thing. After all, how will the next generation embarrass themselves in an attempt to better themselves if you all look perfect now?

 

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