It finally happened. Oh my God it finally happened!
After an overwhelming large build up over the last … oh say … year! My little baby girl finally went off to school!
It was bitter sweet. Wil and I were so proud of her and excited for her to start the next chapter of her journey. But at the same time, it was so depressing seeing her go. A small part of me realised that that was it. My baby girl wasn’t a baby anymore.
It made me come to the shuddering halt that this is the start of a whole other ball game. This was the start of her growing up. Of her finding her own way and her not needing me anymore. I know that sounds silly. I am in my mid 20s (oh fuck) and I still need my mum. Especially when I am sick or need a good cry. So, I know deep down that she will always need me but the traitorous side of my brain kept yelling “she won’t need you anymore!”
Parenthood is very conflicting. I was excited to see her off and let her start the journey. I was scared that she wouldn’t have a good time. I was so happy that she was so happy to start. I was worried that she’d hate it. I was relieved to have a quiet house … and sad when it was too quiet. I had no idea what to think or what to do other than contain my ‘motherness’ and just let her go.
Which I think is the hardest thing ever.
To have the chance to see your child off and pick them up is something I cherished. She was hyper active form the second she woke up. Although she did admit she was nervous too. “That’s okay bub. It’s normal to be nervous. You’ll be fine.” We reassured her. “I know I will be fine. But I am still nervous.” She replied with all the attitude a 5-year-old could manage. She got dressed and looked so damn proud in her uniform and with her bag that was almost the same size as her. Talked the whole way to dropping her brother off, talked even more on the way to school and just got louder the closer we got to the school. But she almost seemed as if she knew I was struggling to let her go. Subtle touches and smiles and so many hugs. That’s my girl.
I was thinking about her all day. Wondering if she was okay, if she was having fun. If the other kids understood that she doesn’t mean to yell she just gets super excited and determines that you must hear her. Whether I should fold the pile of washing that is taking over the lounge room or do I read a book on the couch? (I choose to read if case anyone was wondering.) If I packed her enough lunch? If she would remember to ask to go to the toilet and not just bolt out of the room. It was a very emotional and confusing day.
The look on her face though, as she came out the door at pick up, was something that just made my heart melt. She was rosy cheeked and had the biggest smile on her face. She tore out of the room and bolted over to Wil and I, gave us massive hugs and proceeded to tell us everything that happened. I just wanted to cry. With happiness or excitement, she loved it or the fact that the silence was officially broken I don’t know. I was just emotional. She took it in the stride though. Gave me her hat, gave Wil her bag, grabbed both hands and we were off to hear everything that happened. And boy, were we excited to hear everything.
So, I guess although I am still worried about her and how she will go, I am also confident that she will shine through that the little star she is.
And baby girl, if you ever get around to reading this, (I am sorry for embarrassing you and for swearing. Swearing is bad.) I want you to know how proud we are of you. I know it is only day 1 and it’s a novelty still and there is so much more to come but you have just taken it all in your stride and totally owned it. You have shown such maturity and I am in awe of you. Don’t ever forget that you are beautiful, you are strong, we are proud and you are loved more than anything. Keep kicking ass baby girl. You got this.
I will tell you what though, there was a lot of refreshed looking mothers come pick up time.