Goddamn little tiny dictating bossy boots.

So far today, there have been 7 temper tantrums, 5 screaming matches, 4 toys destroyed, 3 books ripped, 3 hair pulls, toilet clogged twice, 1 drink bottle, full I might add, pouring all over the carpet and 1 full bladder emptied over the floor and it’s not even 11 am yet!!

You’d think they would warm up to it! Hey. We are stuck inside on this cold miserable rainy day, let’s pace ourselves and all the naughty shit we planned to do (you know they plan it!) so we are entertained all day! But sadly no, my kids are in the frame of mind of ‘go hard or go home’ and ‘it’s not worth it until the vein in mum’s forehead pops’.

I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I’m ok. Parenthood is amazing and beautiful. I’m ok.

Why don’t they warn you about this shit? They give you some heads up about the terrible twos, not that they give an accurate description, but what about the rest? Where was the heads up about the ‘fucking threes’ ‘fuck off fours’ and the ‘fuck you fives’? And we are only into day 3 of the fuck you fives! Yay! I honestly would love to meet these people who write parenting books. Like, do you have kids? Have you ever spent time around them? There is a fine line between total devotion and completely understanding why some animals eat their young. I am currently balancing on that line as we speak.

Oh joy. We can add 2 pens on the wall and add another 2 temper tantrums to the tally.

Don’t get me wrong. I am sure some of you out there are sitting there going “they are just bored” I am aware thank you Sherlock. I am also aware that it is one of marvellous days again, no one warns about, where your kids just don’t give a shit. I have tried to build a fort but that was wrong. I have set up a colouring area … lasted 5 minutes before there was a yelling match and pencil on the wall and I have put on at least 8 different movies because they couldn’t make up their minds but still wanted a movie. I have read 4 books that have resulted in tears and walking away, I have played shops, dolls, mummies and have taken them for a walk in between the rain falling. For once, I am not just sitting on my arse as some people assume I do all day. But everything I try and engage them in, they don’t want to do yet when asked, what do you want to do, the answer is ‘I don’t know.’

The vial video of the mother hiding in the pantry just to snack and having her kids watch under the door is the best video because it’s true. I haven’t eaten breakfast or anything yet because they have stolen everything I have made myself. Even Weetabix which my kids hate this week. I showered with both staring at me and my eldest asking me why I have lines all over my tummy and why I had a big butt. Well, my darling special sweet lovely little girl, these were the reminders from my body to NEVER DO IT AGAIN! I couldn’t even pee without the door opening and smacking my knees (we are a ridiculously tiny toilet) just so they could tell me what the other did and how loud their fart was. Oh, and if I could colour in with them … right now … no mum we don’t care if you are peeing … now!

In fact, it has taken far longer than expected to actually write this and I have had to break up 2 screaming matches in the last 5 minutes alone. Is it too early for wine?

I love my kids so much. They are honestly the pride and joy of my life. But please, tell me it gets better!

I now have to go and deal with more shit. Literally this time as my 2-year-old thought he was clever trying to change his own butt after taking a poo. Well done buddy although probably could have not smeared it into the carpet. That little add on is just incredibly thoughtful.





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