Kids are feral.

Yeah, I said it. You were all thinking it.

Why is there never any warning about it? You don’t read or hear ‘kids are like snails…they will leave a trail of mucus and snot everywhere they go’ in the baby books. It would have been a nice little heads up…I would have brought stocks in baby wipes and Chux. Dettol as well because God knows we need it to disinfect our house. I only ever thought that Dettol was used on cuts. Whenever I hurt myself, mum would hoist me up on the bench and clean my scrapes and bumps and bam I was fine and off I’d run onto the next gutter to trip up or side walk to leave my knee skin on. Then I had kids and boy did that open up a world of new uses.

 I use it to mop the floor, clean up the scrapes of childhood, to clean the counters (although I have been using vinegar and bi carb lately) to scrub the bathroom and to wipe down the kid’s beds. If I could get away from have Dettol air fresheners I would. Not because I like the smell but because it would hopefully kill the germs that come from having kids. But I am wandering off topic.

Let me put it in perspective for you just how gross they can be.  Last night was spent elbow deep in shitty toilet water trying to unclog my toilet for the 3RD TIME THIS WEEK because my darling 4 year old shits like a grown man after a weekend filled with booze and bad kebabs. Yep, you read that right.

Last night my darling daughter did a poo. Yay. Another thing that parents get excited about…although not so much when they are 4 but at least it wasn’t in her knickers. She poops and starts yelling out so as any parent would do,  I go in and make sure she is okay and find, to my absolute horror, she has blocked the toilet…did I mention that it’s the 3RD TIME THIS WEEK?!!

My God child you don’t need to use the whole roll! You have a tiny butt! There is no need! Wil wasn’t any help…he was too busy laughing his arse off at the whole situation. Anyway, so I calm her down and tell her it’s okay, I will fix it. The water is starting to go down anyway. A few hours later, after putting them to sleep and arguing back and forth on why sleep is a beautiful thing, I go back into the toilet and BAM it’s still full of paper and the biggest crap to ever come out of a 4 year old.

I go and ask Wil what the hell should I do about it and his solution? A coat hanger. A freaking coat hanger to unplug the toilet as we don’t own a plunger. I don’t think I have ever been so disgusted in my life and I have been shat and vomited on at the same time.  Not how I pictured my Thursday night. Good news though, the toilet is fine. Me on the other hand, I feel the need to drown myself in Dettol and booze. I had to literally push down the shit of my child. How was your night?

To further prove my point, my son today proved himself a man by blowing his nose on his t-shirt then showing me how clever he was….he takes after his father that one.

Still don’t believe how gross they are?  Well today’s adventures including repeatedly telling my daughter to remove her hands from her butt….and then her mouth, telling my son that his willy wasn’t a plaything every time I changed his butt, feeling threatened and weirded out at the fact that my son refuses to break eye contact with me when he is pooping then getting said poop up my nails when changing him and to top it all off I told my daughter not once, not twice but 3 TIMES to not pick her nose and wipe it on her brothers head. My son is the clever one…he eats the evidence of his nose pickings. I also picked a tiny teddy out of my son’s toes and talked my daughter out of sticking one up her nose. And that’s just today. I won’t scar you with the horrors of other days.

Let it be known that this, new parents, is a warning. Kids are feral, gross, nasty, disgusting and annoying.  Buy bulk wipes, hand sanitisers and Dettol. And be prepared to spend many nights literally shovelling, or in my case coat hanging, shit.

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